TOD
by HeatRises
Summary: Richard Castle wasn't a believer in quitting; some might argue that's what he does best... How does one's life replenish from such a loss. To rebuild. To carry on. To be better. How can one do it alone?
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: Well I thought I would jump on the band wagon seen as my other fic wasn't getting much love :( and this idea well this image just popped into my head and I had to get it all down. At the moment it can be left as a one shot if no one wants more, but I have ideas to further it on if that's what people want. **

**Plot: This is an idea I had for an opening to s4. All plot ideas are mine, sadly the characters are not :( congrats abc one again and AM for the wonders of CASTLE!**

* * *

><p><strong>T.O.D<strong>

Feathery white rays of the lonesome moon filter through the deficient curtains. Inside the room, the air is so listless, so listless the only sign of life is the remnants of a bouquet; a mixture of red carnations, and white roses with a spray of baby's breath. Yet even that is wilting, matching the stillness of all around it.

In the middle of the room, a bed lays; empty, its white sheets folded neatly at the bottom of the bed, stillness is everything this bed is, so far from life, like all that is lost in it. An epitome of nothingness.

A beat, no more, no less, gone.

One life, no more connected to this empty room. Trapped by these four walls; lost forever, to the vastness of the space beyond.

How does one's life replenish from such a loss. To rebuild. To carry on.

To be better.

Richard Castle wasn't a believer in quitting; some might argue that's what he does best. He killed of Derek Storm when everyone believed he still had more to give, but he would argue he found Nikki Heat, who had plenty of substance. Two failed marriages, he would argue simply, how could he quit on something that wasn't fully founded to begin with.

Alexis Castle, his proud and joy, the apple of his eye, his go to girl, whatever corny saying there is, she is his. She would clarify his point. He never quit on her, or all the times she needed him, even when he was somewhere else, with someone else. He would find a way to get her what she wanted. Be it a pony, a Popsicle, a hug or a phone call. Always a phone call. He never let her down.

Martha Rogers, mother of all nuances, but his mother, wouldn't agree completely, she would give him some remark with her usual bravado, 'My dear Richard, you're not a quitter, you're just not a forever for all.'

He would sulk, and mumble thanks for keeping him in line, but later when he was by himself, sitting in his worn leather chair, looking at the photographs on his desk, he would admit to himself, she was right. Apart from herself, and Alexis, there was only ever one person he would give forever to.

Katherine Beckett. He'd told her before, she was a mystery to him, and the one he wished to never solve. Yet the choice was never his. The choice was always taken from him. Always by another man's hand.

Demming; however brief left its dent, but he somehow managed to pave over it, now if you look closely enough you would just see a slight bump.

Josh; cast a whole shadow. That guy was forever stealing his light. Like the room before him, Richard Castle is listless, so listless the only sign of life is the slow droop of his eyelids. For even they betray him. Won't stay and fight for him.

The sniper; took the moon, the sun, the stars, all sources of light, left no room for shadows. That hand dealt the toughest blow.

Once again the choice of forever was taken from him.

Richard Castle was alone, in a room that once held the life of Katherine Beckett.

* * *

><p><strong>Yay, nay? One and done, or more? Please let me no what you think hope you liked it :) <strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks to the alerts and reviews I got for this, I was considering leaving it at a one shot but these scenes wouldn't leave my mind. Hope you all enjoy it and sorry for the delay life has been really hectic, and I've been so ill with a viral flu and other infections I just didn't have the energy to write... Although I did manage to go see Take That in concert woop hehe. Please read and review if you can thanks :)**

* * *

><p>...<p>

Noise, it was everywhere, although it may as well have been in a foreign language for all the sense he could make of it. Ever since he entered that room the only sound he could hear was the sound of his own heart beat; even that would betray him every other beat.

Rick looked around at the people in the room, the waiting room, 'bardo' as he liked to call it; as one call can change the scales to forever outweigh the other.

That's how Rick felt now, he felt his heart was being weighed down by some unmovable force, and nothing could lift it, because the only person who was strong enough to do so was gone. Forever.

Somehow his feet had found their way to the front desk and his mouth worked of its own accord. The nurse before him was remaining unaffected by his emotional state. Rick was unaware of the tears streaming down his face, and the puffiness of his eyes, and the emptiness within them. The usual light once held there gone as soon as the light left hers.

"My, my friend, can you tell me what happened to her." Castle's voice was alien to his ears.

"Name?" The nurse's robotic reply does nothing to lift Castle's spirits.

"Kate... Katherine Beckett. Room 158." The nurse turns to her computer and presses a few buttons, and clicks away. How Castle hated this moment. His whole life was built on key strokes, well originally pen and paper, but that's beside the point. Now a few key strokes are the very thing that will tear his whole world apart.

"Miss Beckett is no longer in that room she's moved..." A gut wrenching scream reverberates through the room, the nurse halters in her speech as she stands to see where the noise is coming from. A woman had just collapsed to the ground a Doctor in bloody scrubs before her. He couldn't have changed? There was no doubt in the news she received it weighed her down that much she could no longer stand.

That's how he felt right now too, although he wanted to scream at the world for taking Kate from him, he couldn't find the strength to do so.

"804."

Rick turns to the nurse, who had randomly called out some number.

"Excuse me?"

"The room your friend is in. Room 804. It's one of the best private suites we have. I'm sorry something's just popped up on screen..."

Rick's head was spinning he felt like he would collapse any second, he grips the front of the counter to steady himself.

"It's a restricted access suite; I can only give information out to people on the allocated list. There must be a delay in the system; I shouldn't have even told you the room number." The nurse looks at Castle, coldness to her eyes; he never thought nurses should be allowed to look like that, or anyone especially to a stranger, whom obviously was in a fragile state. Once Rick recovered he'd be making a complaint about this nurse. Nurse Bracknell, it says on closer inspection of her nametag.

"What's your name sir, I can check it against the list?"

This was it, he might actually be able free the weight on his chest. Rick actually felt the corner of his lips tugging.

"Castle. Richard Castle. Or Rick." A teardrop of emotion escapes in the small hitch of his name, Castle lets out a burdensome breath.

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave Sir."

"Excuse me?" Castle's brain was working a million miles a nanosecond. Beckett was alive? She was in a private suite? Why had no one told him? Who paid for it? Why the hell wasn't he allowed to see her? Who the hell hired this woman?

"It says under no circumstances am I allowed to give you any details regarding Miss Beckett. I'm going to have to phone up to the rooms guard now to warn him about the error." She gave Castle a pointed look as if to say, go ahead try and get up there.

What the hell was up with this woman? What the hell was going on? Was he asleep, was he dreaming? Beckett was dead wasn't she? He was...

"Put the phone down Miss. And the only reason I'm calling you that is because I'm a gentleman with manners; you my lady have very poor use of yours." The nurse again appears unfazed by this new voice. Castle blinks, the voice provoking some emotion within him. It wasn't until he felt the hand on his shoulder he feels some warmth spreading through him. His head snaps to his left.

"Jim?" A small smile graces his face. Jim turns back to the nurse.

"Was I correct in hearing that Katherine Beckett has been moved to a private suite?"

"I'm not authorized to tell you that, unless you are on the list of visitors. For that I would need your name?"

"Jim Beckett. Her father. And I didn't authorise any room switch, nor was I notified so please, before I seek a higher authority tell me what on earth is going on." The nurse for all her audacity actually appeared to have flinched when Jim said his name. She turned to her computer and typed away again uttering a just one moment.

"Miss Beckett's fiancé requested and paid for the switch. A Mr J. Davidson. I'm sorry that's all I can tell you."

Just like that, the brief moment where he actually felt he could breathe again, the weight remained in place, and Castle once more felt like the earth was swallowing him whole. As though he was reliving watching her eyes close shut and her body going limp in his arms. That weight will forever stay with him.

"Well let me tell you something. Until her name says otherwise she's my responsibility, I'm her next of kin, and if this god forsaken hospital could do its job right you would have checked out that fact before you moved my daughter without even telling me!"

"Some closeness, she didn't even tell you she had a fiancé." The nurse utters under her breath, but both Castle and Jim heard it and Jim surprisingly didn't react, no anger or self pitying.

"If she had a man worthy of her I would be the first to know." Jim squeezes Castle's shoulder was that sympathy in his eyes? Castle couldn't tell he wasn't very good at reading emotions at the moment; he couldn't even make sense of his own.

"I'd like a few things done before I go and see my daughter. One, she gets moved back to her old room, if not that one, any other _standard _room, knowing my Katie she would hate the fact someone paid stupid amounts of money in a room she's not going to be in very long. Because _I_ know my daughter and she's going to be pissed off when she wakes I really don't want to aggravate that by her being in some oversized bed that really doesn't change the fact she's in a hospital. Two and I want to be very clear on this one. Richard Castle can see my daughter any and what time he wants, I don't care who or some screen says otherwise. I want my daughter to be happy when she wakes up, and part of that happening if he's there beside her."

"Come on Rick, let's go see Katie." Castle feels a hand on his back and his feet begin to move, the hand providing some strength to his body when his mind fails him.

Rick still couldn't get his head around the fact he was going to see Kate, and that Kate was alive.

Kate was alive.

He could feel the rhythm of his heart returning to its usual beat. Its composer was here.

Kate was engaged to Josh.

The beat ceased and the tune was no more.

...

* * *

><p><strong>So what do you think? I have got many more scenes lined up so there is an outline here, do you want it? I will also try update my other fic which is totally dif from this one and any season 4 ones. Thanks again for reading and there may even be another update tonight... as tomorrow I'm seeing Take That again in concert so wont be able to update :D <strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi everyone, so sorry for the delay in update lifes been very busy and I wanted to update before tomorrow I'm going to see Lifehouse in concert! woop! Thanks to every who has alerted and reviewed(hope to see more of you commenting soon :D) please hehe. I may, but hold no promises have an update later tonight because I'm on a castleroll so hopefully if my inbox fills up there will be a quick update, thats if its reviews wanting more ;p hope you like x**

**AN. Just added the small scene at the bottom felt it fit. :)**

* * *

><p>...<p>

Everything was a blur to him; all noise was distorted, as though he was listening under water. He could very well be under water for it felt as he was drowning, drowning from the weight of the thought of Kate, and now _him_. Josh.

Jim was speaking to the guard; the nurse downstairs had actually done her job for once and notified the guard about what was happening. Josh must have noticed the presences outside the room and came to see who it was.

"Taphy man, I thought I said no one was to get up here." Clearly Josh had pulled a lot of strings to get this set up, it would help that this was his hospital. How convenient for him.

Josh clocks Jim recognition not present, they had obviously not met.

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave, if not for the patient's safety but your own. This is a restricted room."

"I'm sorry I was just about to ask you the same thing." Josh must not have been paying Jim much attention as he had looked towards Castle and his features hardened he spoke his voice mirroring his features. "Castle." The only words he speaks before turning back to Jim a shocked expression on his face. "I'm sorry what did you say?"

"You're the boyfriend I'm guessing, Mr J. Davidson. I'm Jim Beckett, Katie's father." Josh's eyes widen at that fact, and if the circumstances were different, Castle might have felt sorry for Josh. If his emotions were functioning properly he might have laughed a little inside at the fact that Josh was messing up the one thing that he didn't even try to get but had. Jim Beckett's approval and respect, a key thing if you want to be Katherine Beckett's fiancée, this little fact made Castle wonder had Kate actually said yes?

"Mr Beckett? I, I assumed you and Katie weren't close, she never talks about you... Wow this is bad. Erm, wait you said you wanted me to leave, what's going on, and Castle what are you doing here?" Josh spoke quickly confusion clear in his voice and actions, his eyes looking anywhere but Jim's eyes, another no-no.

"Rick is with me. He's going to stay with Katie whilst the nurses come to transfer Katie to her old room, and whilst me and you have a talk." Castle couldn't answer even if he wanted to, so it was a good job Jim had spoken for him.

Josh deflates slightly, his shoulders slumping, his usual confidence a moons throw away. Josh pats a hand on _Taphy's _back speaking.

"Nothing changes okay. No one gets in. I don't know about." Josh looks at Jim then Castle with a sigh and says. "Except these two."

Rick once again feels warmth spread around his shoulder, no further, the touch wasn't as good as the one he needed. Rick turns to look at Jim.

"Go on Rick, I shouldn't be too long, if the nurses have moved Katie before then..." "I'll let you know the moment I know anything." Jim smiles and removes his hand from Castle's shoulder. He walks down the corridor and turns left Josh following, but before he turns the corner he casts one last look at Castle. The look in his eyes a mixture of regret and determination? Rick wasn't too sure, he didn't have much time to process it before Josh was gone and the guard was moving out of the way of the door and Castle's feet were once again leading him into the room.

The door shuts behind him, and suddenly sound erupted in his ears. He could hear everything the sound of the monitors pounding in his ears like the car horns on 86th street during rush hour. Castle shuts his eyes trying to block out some of the noise, and to calm his own heart rate, and maybe just maybe, to help him prepare for what was before him.

Kate.

How he got here he had no idea, but here he was. Staring at the sleeping, _sleeping_ figure of Kate Beckett, Castle squeezes his eyes shut some more, trying to keep the tears from falling, but it was no use they pushed through. It was as though those last tears broke the dam and Castle's eyes flew open, no more tears fell and he walked towards Kate.

He took the hand that was lying on the bed on the side closest to him, he was careful of the wires attached to her. He gripped her hand as carefully as he could, and as much force as he could manage without causing her harm. Luckily for Castle this was her right hand, and he could ignore for a little while the garish rock on her left.

He choose to sit on the chair beside the bed ignoring the fact that Josh was only a few moments ago sat in the very same chair, most likely declaring his love for her and making promises Castle couldn't compete with.

Her skin was still as soft as he remembered it to be on the rare occasion they physically touched; Castle was in awe of the tenderness of her touch.

It was surprisingly still as warm as he remembered too, as he pressed his lips to her hand, his lips staying there a lot longer than they would if any other person was present. Castle allowed one more tear; the last one he was determined to shed, fall.

A small weight, a minuscule weight shifted. It hadn't moved completely, wasn't gone, but the pressure it held on his heart wasn't as heavy as it once was a few moments ago.

"Oh god Kate." Castle grips Kate's hand a little bit tighter bringing it to his lips again. Stopping him from saying the three words he knew he wouldn't be able to say again.

Time was lost on him, he could have been sat there for five seconds or five hours, but he hadn't moved, her hand still beneath his lips, the pressure to say those words to her again so strong but he knew he couldn't. So he spoke the only words he could.

"There are no words Kate, as a writer I should be able to come up with an array of moving words, words that could tell you the emotions I'm feeling, what this, you being here is doing to me. But I can't Kate, I can't function, I just can't formulate a complete sentence without the words sounding foreign. My own voice isn't my own, my own mind is someplace either I, with my wildest theories can't name. This whole mess, these past few hours is like an episode of Temptation Lane, all the twists and turns and, I don't know what's going to happen Kate. I wish it was like that day on the set and I could input my own script, but I can't. I can't change this, I, I don't have any idea where I want to go with this." Castle drops Kate's hand, he stands and looks up letting out a deep breath, he had to control himself. He wasn't going to cry, he needed to do this, and holding Kate was undoing all the self control he had and all the promises he told himself he'd keep.

Castle walks to the wall and looks at the only painting in the room. The painting was an abstract one. Of a sunset, about how the sun hit the water, and how all of its colours, were a vibrant parade. The colours danced on the water and twirled in the air. The painting helped distract Castle for a moment, and helped him focus. He kept on looking at the painting, using it as an anchor for his thoughts, so that they didn't drift. This time when he spoke to Kate he spoke with more clarity.

"I would normally frown upon using someone else's words but seen as I can't find any of my own, something you said to me once helps explain part of what I'm thinking.

Castle takes a deep breath.

"You once said to me that you wish you had someone who would be there for you and you for them. Someone you could just dive into it with.

Castle runs a shaky hand through his hair.

"I wanted so badly to tell you then that I was it, I'm always here for you. But then Josh turned up and, you went to him. I need someone to be here for me Kate, someone who will dive with me. I did all that for you Kate, I literally dove for you, tried to stop a bullet for you, but it's still not enough. I was too late then, you got hit. I'm too late now. You're _engaged_ to Josh. I can't keep doing this anymore Kate; I can't keep chasing after you. You're with Josh, and god I'm not that guy Kate, but you make me do things I don't normally do, think about things without complete reason, you would probably say that's what I do every day. But with my heart Kate, I never let someone get this close, to be able to have such a hold over my heart... My thoughts.

Castle turns and slips down the wall, his legs coming up to his chest, his hands fist his hair, and he lets out a small tormented growl. He keeps his head buried in his knees.

"I can't do this."

A nurse walks in at that moment and walks over to Kate she doesn't see Castle in the corner so when she turns she lets out a little scream, her hand flying to her mouth and _Taphy _storms in the nurse waves him off. In all this commotion Castle didn't even lift his head, until the nurse came over and placed a hand on his shoulder.

Castle looked up, and the nurse gave him a compassionate smile.

"I know it looks bad, all the wires and machines, but you have to be strong. When she wakes up she's going to need you. This is going to be ten times scarier for her than it is for you and she's going to need to borrow some of yours so you've got to be the strongest you can be. So stand up and follow me as I take her to her new room okay."

The nurse turns to Kate and starts preparing everything to move Kate.

"Stop."

Castle stands, the nurse turns and looks at Castle.

"Keep her here. Don't move her. Don't. The room is paid for she may as well stay here till she's better and if she wants to move then, she will be moved _then_."

"Are you sure?

Castle nods.

"Okay then, I'll let the others know. Stay strong Mr. Davidson."

Mr Davidson. Talk about sucker punch. That one word knocked him for six, blew his whole axis askew and his anchor that was lowering was lost in the never ending sea, and once again he was drowning.

The nurse clearly didn't know Josh, or if she did she didn't know this was his girlfriend, _fiancée_. One, she was nice to him, and two, she thought Kate was _his_.

How Castle still wished that could be true but it couldn't Kate will never will be his, Castle thought on sadly as he took out his phone and walked out the room.

...

"No, Jim, I'm sure. She said yes, maybe she this is what she would want." Castle had just let Jim know that he didn't think Kate should be moved, Josh had paid for it he couldn't exactly ask for a refund, and honestly he would've done it too. If Kate was to heal quickly it would help if she was getting the best care. Jim relented agreeing not before telling Castle.

"She's not said yes yet. Mr Davidson is waiting for Kate to decide. Rick. She hasn't said yes yet." Castle tried to smile at Jim's obvious concern for him, but he could only sigh.

"She already chose Jim, she's still with Josh. We've had so many opportunities but she keeps knocking me back. I'm further now than when we first met."

"That's not true Rick. Katie's stubborn, she's guarded, has been ever since her mom. She may do stupid things but she's not stupid. I've seen this all before, with the tattooed biker, the wrestler, the fireman; they are just a few, now a doctor? Katie finds herself someone who she never fully has to give in to, who's not always there. She protects her heart because she's scared to be loved and to love wholeheartedly, no matter how much she says she wants it, she's too scared to grab hold of it and let it take over, and because she's scared it will take her places she won't come back from. You've got to keep pushing her Rick. Show her those places are worth it. I don't regret a moment I had with my Johanna, the good outweighs the bad. They always do."

Silence. Castle couldn't respond, how could he respond to something like that when his thought process wasn't even half way functioning at its best.

"I'm sorry for pushing you Rick, I know you're an honest man and this will be hard for you, but I see how close Katie came to dying, and knowing she never got to experience the love she deserves, and to share the love I know is hidden well in her heart, it tears at me Rick. I just want the best for my daughter, and you're it. She will tell you herself when she wakes up, I know Katie, this will be a wakeup call for herself she's going to re-evaluate everything in her life. You need to be there for when she does. I'll see you soon Rick." Jim hangs up leaving an even more puzzled Castle.

Castle stares at his phone before putting it away and looking at the door to Kate's room.

He hesitates a short moment before it hits him, that's his partner in there. Unrequited love aside. He's going to be there for her no matter what. He's not walking away from his partner when she needs him most. With that he walks into Kate's room and takes her right hand in his.

"I'm sorry Kate. I had to take a moment to gather my thoughts. And speak with your Dad; he'll be up soon, and. Josh too. I'll be here though, I'm not moving for anybody. I'm your annoying shadow, so I need to be here. I do need to be here Kate. Always isn't just another word to me Kate. I may write fiction but the words I speak, on _most_ occasions is fact. When I talk about the CIA for example _always_ fact.

Castle grins; it feels like it's the first real smile to appear on his face in a long time.

"Always, even when you tell me otherwise, I'm still going to be there. I'm going to be here when you wake up, and kick my arse for making a fool of myself at the funeral, even though by hurting my cute butt you'll probably tear a stitch, you will still do it. I'll be here not telling you I told you so. I'll be by your side when you go back to the precinct and for the first time meet the new captain. We'll go for drinks later that night at the old haunt and we will silently remember Roy for all the good he did. I might even share a glass of JW with you. I'll be here Kate, even if you say yes to Josh; I'll be there with a smile on my face and congratulations to the both of you. I'm not going to walk away again. This is my place, by your side. _Always_."

Castle closes his eyes as he places a kiss to against her hand. Unseen, unheard, a droplet falls onto the softness that is Beckett's pillow. As Castle looks back up he looks straight ahead not seeing the gentle river fall on Kate's cheek.

...

* * *

><p><strong>Thoughts? hit me ;p thanks for reading x<strong>


	4. Chapter 4

**thanks for all the alerts and favs still hoping to see more comments though :) ... Just a little note i have no medical background/knowledge so it won't all be accurate so just go with the flow please hehe hope you like :D x**

* * *

><p>...<p>

"Katie? Oh Katie. Why did you have to be exactly like your mom?" Rick looks up to see Jim approaching, he stands, offering his seat, Jim shakes his head, opting to sit on the edge of the bed on the opposite side and taking Kate's left hand in his. Castle couldn't help but smile as he saw Jim's eye roll at the ring on Kate's hand.

"We're going to have to do something about this." Jim says with slight humour in his voice. Castle shakes his head. "It's Kate's choice Jim. We're going to be happy for her whatever she decides. We're going to be nice to Josh too."

Jim looks at Castle an eyebrow raised. He reminded him so much of Beckett, of Kate, with that look. She may take after her mother in most things, but she most certainly is her father's daughter, there's no mistaking that. Castle continues.

"Kate's happy with Josh, however much it hurts, however much he tries to be a pri.. pallyhead with me I won't be petty and childish, I won't hurt Kate by being rude to her boyfriend." Castle had to stop himself he didn't want to curse in front of Kate's father it felt wrong, it was wrong.

"You are a very honourable man Richard Castle. My daughter is very lucky to have you in her life. Thank you."

"No, I'm the lucky one. Before Kate.

Castle lets out a sigh.

"Before Kate I had no real purpose. Yes I had Alexis, and... Without her I wouldn't be half the man I am today. But. That was life. I had my books yes, and the parties and women. I had women.

Castle looks down slightly embarrassed for admitting that. Not like it wasn't known facts anyway, but to Beckett's father...

"But... Do you know why I started writing books?" Jim shakes his head, Castle continues.

"My life, it's never been... Conventional. I was raised in the theatre, by a nanny and handfuls of other people who came and went. The library became my fortress. My castle, hence the name. Those pages, I would just get so lost in them, that I would forget everything and become so lost in the world in those books. The characters in them, I relied on more than the few people in my life who stuck around. The books were always there. Until I got sent to private school and life, life became... restricted. I would spend my nights under the covers with a flash light and pen, trying to recreate the stories I once read. Until one night I wrote something new, something that was mine. I had a purpose then, and the books became everything. The only reason I had to be."

Castle lets out a breath; he'd never told anybody this before. He didn't know why he was telling Jim. The emotional rollercoaster he'd been on; was still on, making him reveal things he would normally have control over.

"Then I met Kate. And, it wasn't about the books anymore. For the first time in my life I had a real purpose. Watching Kate with the victim's families, seeing Kate everyday deal with this life, it made me want to be better. To no longer hide in the books, to actually live, and experience life in ways, places my stories couldn't take me. It's one thing to write about something, but to experience it... Kate opened up my eyes to a whole new world. It wasn't all green pastures and pretty things, but that's what made it better. You called me an honourable man Jim; but without Kate, I'm just an able man with honour."

Jim wipes at his eyes. He couldn't talk, he was so full of emotion, from seeing his daughter take a bullet and nearly die in front of him, to now seeing her, looking so small, so restricted. To hear Rick talk about his daughter, it was everything and more than a father wanted to hear. Part of Jim felt like he shouldn't be privy to all of Rick's thoughts, that maybe he didn't know what he was saying. But when he spoke about his Katie with such... Love. He wished to all the stars and god's out there that his little girl pulled through. She needed to experience life with that man, and truly see the world the way that it's supposed to be.

It's at that moment Kate's monitors start beeping frantically both Castle and Jim stand staring at the machine and at Kate, whose body is thrashing about wildly.

"Kate! What's going on?" Both Castle and Jim look to see Josh entering the room, he's running towards them, then pushing Castle out of the way and hitting the button behind Kate's bed. He's firmly holding Kate down but talking to her gently, telling her what he's doing, trying to calm her down. Several other nurses rush in, going to the other side of Kate, Jim having stepped back to let them work on her. His baby needed to be okay.

Josh looks to Castle who is sat on the floor staring up Kate like a lost little boy praying to be found.

"What were you doing before this started?" Josh asks in Doctor mode. Castle stumbles a little.

"We were talking. I was talking." Josh sighs he looks to one of the nurses who just started talking.

"Shall I push 5 Benzo?" Josh shakes his head.

"No, no."

"We don't want to give her too much..."

"We don't want to give her any. Castle come over here." Castle looks surprised and only faltered for a second before jumping up. Josh eases his hold on Kate; he turns his face looking directly at Castle.

"Tell her everything is going to be okay. Tell her that she needs to calm down or she's going to tear her stitches. Don't be scared to hold her down tightly, we do not want those stitches tearing. Okay?" Castle nods and Josh steps back letting Castle take his place. The nurses have stepped back too, looking at Josh who is looking at the floor. They must have thought him crazy, but he knew this was going to work. That's why he had to step back for Castle. He was the one meant to be by her side.

"Kate? Kate listen to me. It's Rick. It's Castle. You need to calm down okay; I know you don't like listening to people very often, especially me. But for once Kate, please, just.

Castle couldn't do it he couldn't pin her down, he couldn't fight her, he released one hand, his right and brought it up to her face, careful of the oxygen mask on her face, and pushes a strand of hair behind her ear, then cups her cheek as best as he could. Castle takes a deep breath remembering what Josh said.

"Everything's going to be okay. You're going to be fine Kate. If you calm down. I need you to calm down for me." To everyone's surprise except one, Kate's body began to slowly rock, her body calming down, Rick spoke more vehemently as it seemed to be working.

"Listen to me Kate. I promise you, everything will be okay. Just relax. That's it. I'm here. Always." After that one word her body stopped, her heart rate calmed, returning to a steadier rhythm. The nurses began to head out, not having been needed. Jim stays back watching Castle with his daughter, and how he managed to pull her back. She must be able to hear him, could she hear everything he had said. Would she remember? He prayed that she did.

Josh looks at Jim, then at Castle and Kate. Always. He'd always been there. The cause of every argument, every delay, every smile. Yeah she smiled with him but when that smile was on her face only he could have put it there.

That's the moment Josh realised. He was fighting a losing battle. He slowly walked out the room unnoticed. He would go back for the ring later. Hopefully Castle would fall asleep at some point and he wouldn't have to suffer anymore humiliation.

He'd lost.

...

* * *

><p><strong>Thoughts? thanks for reading x<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

Thanks once again to everyone who has alerted and faved and im glad to see some people reviewing hope it keeps happening lol. Here's the next part, a small bit to keep you going :)

oh I have to say a huge thank you to phnxgrl who has been here from the beginning reviewing each chapter THANKYOU, hope you keep liking it :) and cajun panda angelrescue02 Candy77 who are newbie reviewers hope you keep with it too :) and all those without a profile thanks for reviewing too, hope I answer a few of your questions this chapter, there will be more to come!

* * *

><p>...<p>

A half hour later after just sitting there and talking to her Castle looks around the room and finally notices Josh' absence he looks to Jim who yawns.

"Why don't you head home Jim, get some sleep. Kate's not going to be alone. I'll ring you if anything changes." Jim nods too tired to argue, plus if Kate woke up Castle would be here and he knew that his daughter would be okay then.

Jim stands and stretches another yawn escaping.

"Could you find Josh on your way out please? We need to talk." Jim nods once more heading for the door, not before adding. "I hope you know what you're doing."

Castle waits holding Kate's hand and simply watching her, watching the steady fall and rise of her chest and taking solace in the fact that it was her beating heart causing that to happen.

A few minutes later Castle hears a small knock on the door he sees Josh standing there still in his scrubs.

"Mr Beckett said you needed to see me, is everything okay. Is Kate okay?" Josh steps into the room not needed to be asked, he had paid for this room had he not?

Castle lets go of Kate's hand and stands taking one last look at Kate he then turns to Josh.

"Would you sit? Please." Castle gestures to the other chair on the opposite side of Kate. Josh nods meekly and sits down, looking longingly at Kate; this doesn't go unnoticed by Castle.

Castle folds his hands in his lap to keep from touching Kate; he thought he'd touched Kate enough in front of Josh as it was.

"If Kate's told you anything about me, I'm not usually very good at respecting other people's boundaries, especially hers. So you'll have to forgive me if I've crossed over any here. Everything is still so messed up..." Castle runs a hand through his hair. Castle looks up at Josh.

"Would you stay with her? I need to head out, get some things, for me.

He gestures to his bloody clothes, it was only then that Josh noticed he was covered in blood, Kate's blood, and he realised how close Castle was to all of this, how imbedded he was in Kate's life that he hadn't even changed out of his clothes. It had been 15 hours since Kate had been in the hospital. 8 hours 10 minutes of those she was in surgery; it had been really touch and go. She then got moved to recovery but no one was allowed to see her, a nurse had informed them of her situation and most of them had left. Josh had no idea who was with her only what the nurse had told him.

He had managed to move her himself and got a few of his friends to help him out setting up a private room. There he'd rang Lanie and let her know about the room switch and told her he would make sure she and her friends were allowed to see her later the next day.

Josh immediately felt like an idiot for what he did about Castle, it was in a moment of stupidity and insecurity that he told his friend not to let Castle see her. Maybe he felt that he still had a shot with Kate if Castle wasn't around. If he was the one that helped her, was there for her. But he had come to realise that Kate needed Castle more than he thought she had. Her life was so wound around Castle that even though Josh had a hand in saving her, removing the bullet and stitching her back up. It was Castle that truly held her together.

"I don't know how long I'm going to be, what I need to get for Kate is going to take some time. IF she wakes, or _anything_ changes, anything, will you _please, please _let me and her father know." Josh nods. If Castle could be mature about this then he definitely could. Now wasn't the time for childish games. He wouldn't keep Kate's respect that way.

"I have Kate's phone and her things so, yeah. If anything changes I'll let you know." Castle's eyes widen as he looks at Kate, Josh looks at Castle puzzled then at Kate, and back to Castle.

"You said you have her things? Do you have her chain and watch? I see she can wear jewellery. I understand she may not be able to wear the chain; she never does when she sleeps anyway, but the watch? I know she takes that off too, but if she can hear us, then isn't it like she's awake? She's never without them." Josh nods again, standing and looking around the room, to the small set of draws in the corner.

"I didn't even think about them. I always knew they were important to her. She's never told me about them though; I know there's more to it than the chain being a family heirloom and the watch being just a watch. I always thought she'd tell me when she was ready... I'm beginning to realise, that time will never come." Josh takes the watch and chain out and places the watch around her left wrist and the chain he placed on her chest and let the chain hang loosely over her shoulders.

Castle looks at Kate once more, she was looking more like herself, even with just the watch on, and it was always the little things that mattered. Then he walked out. Leaving Kate with Josh, and for once he wasn't worried, he had a new purpose now. He had places to be, things to do. When Kate woke up he would be there, and he had to make sure she had the things to rely on to make her happy. The familiar stuff, the simple things, but to Kate, it was those things she valued more than anything.

...

* * *

><p>Thoughts? Will update asap :) thanks for reading xx<p> 


	6. Chapter 6

Thanks once again to all who have alerted and faved and reviewed wow thanks and I am sorry for the delay had quite a few parties this past week :) Here's a little update. Life is abit quieter for a while so should be able to update quicker.

* * *

><p>...<p>

"I've been sat here now for two hours Kate trying to find the words, anything to talk to you about. Words have never come easy to me; I bet Castle would have no trouble finding something to talk to you about. I'm not saying that to be petty, or because he's a writer, but because he's your friend, partner. You've been through so much together, so much I don't, won't know about. That's why this is so hard. Most of the things I know about you, it is all from when you've been with me, and I've seen it, or heard from someone else. I've known from the beginning and you admitted it to me then that you're a private person, and at first that didn't matter. But for me to see how easy you can open up to _him_, without even realising it, it tells me that he's the one you need, not me. After seeing Castle with you it's made me realise that having someone like that, to depend on, it is a good thing, and I do want it. I didn't even know I needed it till now. I need to find that one person who makes me count down the days till I come home. Count down the hours till my shift ends and I get to see them." Josh takes hold of Kate's hand.

"We've both been in denial about this relationship, for so long we've been holding onto something that's keeping us from moving forward. We've both been too scared to let go of our normal and have something unexpected. You're like me in that way Kate, we both like routine." Josh lets out a laugh.

"I need someone like Castle. Someone who messes up my routine makes me do things without thinking, stuff that makes me so mad I don't know whether to yell at them or kiss them. We're passionate people Kate, but honestly, together, it's just not enough. If we truly wanted this Kate we would have put more effort into being there for each other. No, that's not true, we couldn't have tried harder, but it still wouldn't have mattered, like I said before we both need someone who it's effortless with, and you have that with Castle. Like now, he's off somewhere probably doing something crazy, something totally you, and I have no idea what it is, because honestly, I don't know that much about you." A tear falls down Josh's face as he realises how much time has been wasted. Both of them hiding. Josh grips hold of Kate's hand. He didn't regret one minute of it with her, because she's an amazing woman.

"You're amazing Kate. Really. I don't regret one moment of being with you." He pauses.

"There's this quote I read once, _'__Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.'_I finally understand it. Now, I finally have the courage to move on, to find someone like you have in Castle, who you're going to need when you wake, even though you will complain and refuse his help you will take delight in it." Josh stands, pocketing the ring he had slipped of Kate's finger whilst talking and walks to the window looking out in the night sky, wondering if he will find that someone. He feels strangely invigorated after having his talk with Kate, as though he finally knows what he wants. That it is possible.

...

"Arggh." Two people scream one more feminine than the other.

"Castle, Jesus man, what the hell are you doing? How did you get in?" Castle places a hand on his chest.

"Esposito?"

"Castle? What are doing here? What's with all the screaming?" Another voice enters the room both Castle and Esposito turn to see Lanie standing there one eyebrow, raised half-heartedly. Castle took a quick glance over her appearance, not the usual snappy dresser she usually is. Sweats and an old collage t-shirt he would guess was Esposito's and her hair tied back, looking more tiered than she had in all her years pulling graveyard shifts and all other weird hours.

"I came to grab some things for Kate. She's in a private room at the hospital. Josh arranged it all. I thought she might like some familiar things there when she wakes. I think she can hear us. Don't give me that look, I'm not crazy. There was this moment, after I'd been talking with Jim, her Dad, when she started shaking like crazy. Josh and a bunch of nurses came in. Don't worry she's okay. I spoke to her. Told her everything was going to be okay, and she stopped. She actually listened to me for once." Castle grins, Lanie smiles slightly too, although she was still looking at Castle with concern.

"Yeah well Kate just likes you to think she doesn't listen to you when I know for a fact she truly values your opinion." Esposito answers, smiling kindly at Castle. Castle looks down, not used to the caring looks shown his way. They were acting as though he'd lost her. He hadn't.

"Anyway, I told Josh I wouldn't be too long so I'll just grab a few things and be out." Even though he'd told Josh he wasn't sure how long he'd be, he didn't want to be away from Kate for too long of a time if he could help it.

"Is Josh still with Kate?" Lanie asked, not only curious about his presence in her room, but in her life too.

"For now." Castle caught on to Lanie's double meaning and from the smile on her face his answer, answered a few more questions of hers.

"Is there anything we can help you with? I was packing some clothes for her to take back with me when I visited later." Castle nods.

"Yes and great. Once less arse kicking for me. Imagine what Kate would've done if she knew I'd been rifling through her underwear draw." Castle grins, picturing Kate's reaction, both Lanie and Esposito smile too knowing it wouldn't be pretty.

"You're lucky I like you." Lanie smirks.

"Thanks." Castle smiles, then sobers up remembering the things he wanted to grab.

"Esposito can you find any spare rucksacks, there's a few things I wanna grab, I didn't' think to bring anything with me?"

"Sure thing bro, you any idea where I should start looking?"

"Hall closet, left of the entryway." Esposito hides his smirk, now wasn't the time for messing with Castle.

"Lanie, could you find her I-pod? And the cd's she keeps for playing only in the stereo, should be by the stereo in the front room." Lanie nods going in the direction she knew the items would be.

Castle looks around the room, sees his friends helping him, helping her, he swallows a lump which had risen in his throat. He makes his way towards Kate's bookshelf.

"Got the bags, where do you want them?" Esposito walks in holding two good sized satchels.

"Just there thanks. Can you help put these books in there?"

"You're taking all her books?" Castle smirks at that one.

"Do you see how many books Kate has? No. Her room at the hospital may be big but it's not that big. Plus I want space for a few other things I plan on taking." Castle grins, a secret smile, Esposito shakes his head. Lanie walks in holding up an iPod and a selection of resting in her other arm.

"Got my girls favourites. Let me guess. All your books are going to the hospital." Castle allows a genuine laugh to escape. Wow, it felt good. He hadn't laughed in what seemed like years.

"Well, they are her favourites." Castle smirks at Lanie who chuckles.

The three of them carry on for just over an hour. Packing books, , pictures, one of her lamps; little things, which would make the room more like her own, and might help her be less cranky when she woke.

As they were leaving Castle spots something and smiles, walking towards it.

"Hey Esposito, any room in your car for this?"

"Didn't know our girl could play."

"You have no idea." Castle smiles reminiscently holding the orange, paw printed guitar.

As they pack the last few things in Esposito's car, Esposito pauses.

"Hey, why can't all this go in your car castle, haven't you got like ten cars?" Castle smiles.

"There won't be any room once I've got the last few things I wanna take."

"Like what?"

Castle smirks at Esposito and walks off, waving at Lanie who was already sat in the car, grinning to himself as he heard Esposito huffing, wanting to know what he was getting.

"You'll find out soon enough." Castle shouts out before getting in his own car and driving away. Not without one last glance at Kate's apartment. She wouldn't be back there for some time, he wanted her to be around something normal, when everything is crazy, when she won't have answers, and at least she would have the comfort of her home with her.

...

* * *

><p>Thoughts? Will update as soon as I can. Many thanks for reading :) x<p> 


	7. Chapter 7

**Wow, never thought I'd be away from this site for so long... Life seriously became a thorn in my life... from my pc blowing up... losing holiday money to getting 2nd degree burns on said holiday all across my shoulders and back... Its took a while to recover and I kind of lost my writing mojo along the way.. but I'm back and healing nicely so there should be more updates coming... if people haven't given up on this fic :) I apologize in advance for the shortness of this chapter, I just wanted to update a taster first to see if people still wanted me to continue?**

* * *

><p>...<p>

It had taken him another 4 hours to get all the things he wanted, visiting hours were ending and it would still take him another hour to get to the hospital. He debated leaving it till tomorrow, but decided on calling Josh first and checking whether it was still ok to come. Josh had said it was and that he had cleared it with the staff that one person would be able to stay with her over night. This had saddened Castle until Josh had told him he had notified staff that it would be _him_, Castle staying over and to allow him to do any crazy things he had planned as long as it didn't get in the way of Kate's recovery.

That's what Castle was currently doing, staying out of the nurses way as she checked Kate's vitals and he proceeded in decorating Kate's hospital room with her photos and various other little bits. It helped that the nurse on rota that night and the morning shift was a romantic and found what Castle was doing sweet.

Castle had been working none stop; if he kept himself busy he wouldn't need to look at her, and to fully take in the condition she was in, and lose himself in how small and fragile she looked. Kate would hate the fact that so many people saw her like this. Kate hated looking weak, and to be so in front of the people she worked with, who were suppose to look up to her; Kate would refuse to see that this made them respect her more, because they knew how hard she would fight to get better and to find the guy who shot her.

Justice would happen, it may take some time, finding it for herself always came second to everything else, but this was too important to put on the back burner. This was about her mom's case, about the captain, this was too personal now, and Kate wouldn't let it drop. She couldn't.

Castle felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and smiled as he saw the name on the screen stepping out of Kate's room to take the call.

"Hey pumpkin, is everything okay?"

"Yeah Dad, everything's fine, Grams got one of her friends round, they're sampling your wine collection as we speak." Castle allowed a small chuckle to escape.

"Of course she is. I'd be worried if she wasn't taking advantage of my absence. You did hide my credit cards right?" He receives a reply in the form of a laugh. It was good to hear his daughter laugh after all they had been through the last few days.

"Yeah, I did Dad, in my purse." A smile lights up his face.

"You my daughter are a Rogers'. Just don't let your Grams know you have them or she'll do an Arthur on me and take all my money." Another chuckle fills the air.

"Don't worry Dad the Castilions are safe. You won't come home to an empty house and a note saying _Thanks, you made me laugh, fed me, and clothed me, now I'm ofskies." _A long laugh fills the air.

"Why thank you oh darling daughter, I feel much better now that I know I'll only have to refill the wine collection and not my life."

"Well, I may order a film and takeout on your card but that won't exactly wipe you out will it." A happy smile adorns Castle's face until he hears a nurse call his name.

"Sweetie I've got to go."

"Is everything ok Dad? Is Kate?"

"I don't know pumpkin, I'll let you know as soon as I can. Love you."

"Love you too Dad."

Castle hangs up and turns to the nurse who is standing in Kate's door way.

"Miss Beckett is active you may want to get in here." Castle jogs to the door.

Once Castle enters he witnesses Kate's hands twitching and he can see her toes curling, a small smile tugs at his lips. Was she finally waking up?

...

* * *

><p><strong>Shall I continue this? I do really appreciate everyone who has reviewed and alerted so far, so I want to continue for you guys. But do you still want it? Would love you to let me know, thanks guys xxx<strong>


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey guys sorry for the delay work has been really hectic, i'm busy this weekend ..drinking, so here's a quick update whilst I'm sober :) another should follow shortly, hopefully hehe :) **

* * *

><p>Castle hangs up and turns to the nurse who is standing in Kate's door way.<p>

"Miss Beckett is active you may want to get in here." Castle jogs to the door.

...

Once Castle enters he witnesses Kate's hands twitching and he can see her toes curling, a small smile tugs at his lips. Was she finally waking up?

"Kate? Kate I'm here, open your eyes. Please." Castle couldn't hold back the emotion in his voice or the tears that fell from his eyes.

Kate's eyes began to flutter; Castle gripped her hand tighter, a hand reaching out to stroke her hair.

"Come on Kate." Kate's eyes flutter some more, but they don't quite open.

"Come on Kate." Castle rests his hand on Kate's cheek. She had to wake up.

"Mr Castle, she might not be ready to wake up just yet. Give her some time. You might want to rest yourself however." Castle doesn't look from Kate, his hand doesn't lose its grip.

"Kate, I need you to open your eyes, just for a moment and you can rest again. But, I need to see you. See that you're okay, however stupid that may be because I'm surrounded by equipment and doctors that tell me you're doing great... But till I look into your eyes..." Castle's heart begins to pound even louder in his chest; he can hear the blood rushing in his ears, as he looks down towards his hand. The hand Kate just squeezed.

Castle can't talk; he squeezes back, his hand coming from her cheek to stroke her hand. He looks back up to her face just in time to see her mouth fall open, she starts to cough violently, Castle's grip tightens, his eyes widening.

Before he knows what is happening the nurse is pulling him out of the way and the only thing Castle can do is look at the hand that told him she was truly on the mend.

He just needed her to open her eyes.

"Don't worry Mr Castle, that was just her telling us she can breathe on her own. This is good. She should wake soon. You can hold her hand again if you like, she seems to respond to that."

Once again Castle was glad that there were some nurses who still liked him, maybe Josh had spoken to them? What did it matter now Kate was waking up.

Kate was waking up. Castle stands, pulling out his phone and leaving the room.

"Jim, come on pick up the phone." Castle says to himself as he is pacing around outside Kate's room, his phone to his ear, and nothing but a dialling tone on the other end.

A beep. Castle doesn't leave a message he finishes the call and dials again. He runs a nervous hand through his hair.

"Come on Jim, you need to be here." Castle ran his hand across his face as once again he was left with the answering message.

"What's going on?" Castle turns a look of surprise then relief shows on his face, as he looks at none other than Jim himself.

"Is everything okay Rick? Is Katie?" Jim can't finish the sentence and only as Castle sees the tears forming in Jim's eyes he realises he hasn't answered the man, he must be thinking the worst. Castle smiles instantly, hopefully telling Jim that the worst wasn't the case. Castle pockets his phone.

"She's waking up. The nurse took her breathing tube out, and she, she squeezed my hand." Jim doesn't smile, his face doesn't alter, and he walks past Castle and into Kate's room, the door shutting behind him. Castle looks on puzzled as he sees Jim take the chair beside Kate's bed and holds her hand.

What was that? Castle had just told Jim Kate was okay, that she was waking up, and he looked at him like he'd just stolen his favourite star wars figure.

Castle gives Jim a moment, he pulls his phone out and calls his daughter, Lanie and Josh, letting them know what was going on. All of them telling him they'd be there as soon as they could and Lanie telling him she'd let the boys know.

Castle looks once more into Kate's room, she hadn't woken up, he was glad he hadn't missed it.

Wait was that it? Was that the reason Jim seemed angry with him. That he was here and Jim wasn't? But Jim had told him he was okay with that, that if Kate woke up whilst he wasn't here than there wasn't anyone other than him, Castle that she'd rather see first.

Did he not still mean that? The feeling, not for the first time arouse in his chest, he was scared.

Wasn't he enough? Had he done enough? Was he selfish? Should he really have insisted Jim go home and he watch over Kate? Could he walk through that door and everything be okay?

Castle felt like he did after he killed of Derrick Storm. Where did he go from here?

...

* * *

><p>Thanks for your reviews people they do honestly make me happy and continue to write. Hope you continue to like this fic. :) xx<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

Hey guys, thanks for being patient with me and in light of the premier tommorrow I've been hit with a rush of inspiration, so here's a quick chapter whilst I finish of editing the next one... That's the important one ;)

* * *

><p>Castle hesitantly enters the room, closing the door quietly. Jim doesn't raise his head, but his shoulders raise slightly notifying Castle that his presence has been acknowledged. Castle stands at the back of the room, not entering further.<p>

"I'm sorry about before, rushing in here. I just had to see her, to make sure I hadn't lost her. Not today…" Jim's voice trails off as he looks around the room his lips raise slightly in a half smile.

"You do know Katie's going to kill you for bringing all her things here." Castle chuckles.

"I look forward to it." Castle smiles, Jim finally looks at him, and Castle notices the tears fall down his cheeks, and the hesitant look on his face. Jim nods to the chair on the opposite side and Castle goes to sit in it, placing his hands in his lap as to not reach out for Kate's hand. Castle doesn't even notice the absence of the ring, he didn't' want to look at that hand in fear of the ring being there, had he though, that fear would have been replaced with hope, at seeing its absence.

"You were very honest before with me Rick, about your feelings for my Katie, and as a Father yourself you will know how proud that made me. I want to be honest with you too Rick… Before, racing in here, I didn't mean to be rude."

"It's okay Jim; she's your daughter you're allowed to want to be here." Jim shakes his head.

"That's not it Rick. You know as well as I do she'd be a lot happier if it was you she saw first, I don't begrudge you that. I'm happy, truly I am, that she has someone in her life that makes her feel like that. Like how I was with her mom. Katie doesn't even realise it. How much you and she are like me and Johanna. Katie doesn't know it but, it took three years for me and her mother to finally get together. I was dating other women before Johanna. She was like this… This angel, every time I saw her, she took my breath away, yet at the same time it was like punch in the gut." Jim stops and looks at Rick, who is surprised by Jim's disclosures.

Jim takes the necklace off Kate's chest and runs the chain through his hands, a tear falling down his face as he holds the ring in his hand. A movie full of memories, taking place in his mind, at the touch of the ring, seeing it again, remembering the look on Johanna's face when he proposed. Jim smiled at the memory, and wiped away his tears. He looked at the ring as he spoke again.

"I never thought I was enough for her, she was this amazing woman going off to university to become a lawyer. She knew what she wanted to be, what her place was in the world, and I didn't think I was enough to stand with her. So we danced around our feelings, I dated a few women, they were never serious, you couldn't call them a distraction because I never stopped thinking about her, about Johanna."

"You got her in the end though." Castle asks how it came about. Jim smiles a little.

"You never truly know how much you want something until you come faced with the reality of it no longer being there. Johanna told me she was going to study at Yale. Yale, in Connecticut, even though it was only like 1hour and half drive at the most, that hour seemed like a 1000. I couldn't be away from her for that long, with her not knowing how I felt, so I told her. The night she was packing to go, I went around to her house and I told her. She just smiled at me and said _it's about time you admitted it. _Only Johanna could be that patient, she knew how I felt, and that I was hiding in nowhere relationships, but she knew whatever she said to me wouldn't matter, because until I was ready, until I realised the depth of my feelings and that I couldn't' lose her, then we wouldn't be ready. She was wise in so many ways. Katie has the best and worst of the both of us."

"Stay." Two pairs of eyes widen at the small utterance, their faces turning towards Kate, both hands gripping one of hers, waiting, watching for her lips to move, to prove that they hadn't imagined it.

"Don't. I…Too. Please." They were quiet, but they were there. Kate was speaking, not that it made any sense but she was talking.

"Katie, can you hear me? Wake up, please Katie." Jim leans over Kate, moving her hair around her ear. Castle straightened, his throat tightening.

"Castle." At that one word leaving her lips, Castle stumbles back collapsing into the chair behind him. His eyes never leaving her face, he doesn't notice Jim stepping out the room to find a nurse.

A sharp intake of breath, from Kate or Castle, neither would truly know, but it was at that moment Kate's eyes flew open.

* * *

><p>I thought I would leave it there, I know my scene of kate's 'first' is going to be totally different than the one on the show as i've done a lot different, but I thought I'd wait till I've seen the premier first before posting, so I can edit a few things as to not make it a replica haha as if it would... but there it is... the next update will be most likely the Tuesday or Wednesday coming :) many thanks for reading, alerting and favourting it means the world :) honest :D xxx<p> 


End file.
